Breaking News Swine Flu Fans!

The World Health Organization says swine flu is over with!  Not because people have stopped getting sick but because they are changing the name!

It seems swine have little to nothing to do with contracting the virus and random pig punchings are up some 30,000 percent since the illness started.  

So, I guess it's just another boring people flu.  Which sucks because you want to be able to punch whatever the flu is named after, am I right?  Only thing, you can't punch people because "People" made laws that you can't punch people.  Pretty convenient for them I would say.  I have a feeling they have been planning this people flu for quite a while.

That's why we should name it after another animal.  We are unsusceptible to animal courts of law because we don't understand their languages... THEREFORE! punching any animal for any reason is out of the realm of jurisdiction!  

I think we should rename it the koala bear flu because those things need a good beating whether they deserve it or not.  

Rest up for the beat down stuck up Koala Bear jerk!

Daily Update with Steve Sims: Wednesday in Hollywood

Hollywood Blvd. -- Wednesday, April 29, 2009 @ 4:00pm.

Okay, so where the hell is everyone? I have never seen Hollywood Boulevard this empty. Is it the swine flu? Is it the smell of piss from all the homeless? Is it the creepy Homer Simpson who is simply a fat guy in tighty whities with a Homer mask on? I don't know. But my guess, probably the last one. No one wants to see that. I don't care how much you like The Simpsons.

**Photo of the tighty whitie Hollywood Homer hopefully coming soon.

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In other Hollywood news, Nicolas Cage still has yet to have anyone take a photo of his star on the Walk of Fame. That was until today...

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And lastly, The Virgin Mega Store is going out of business. Yes it is. And because of it our good friend Stephen Saban was able to get the newest from Bobby D. for $22.99. What a deal! So get your butts out of the house or on a plane and over to the Virgin Mega Store on Hollywood Boulevard as they're slashing prices and practically giving shit away. Rumor has it the release of Nickelback's greatest hits was the reason for the store's closing.

The Enlightenment Welcomes Arlen!

Rock the fuck on Mr. Specter.  Rock the fuck on!

What did you do to Jesus?

Ok, so a 12 Monkeys-esque baby killing super virus has busted wide open south of the boarder. I get it. This type of thing simply happens (See the 1918 mom killing super flu). But at the same time as this super virus turns the Mexican landscape into something reminiscent of an Iron Maiden album cover they also get crushed by a gigantic ball dropping mega quake. I am a pretty rational guy so it is clear to me that this is no coincidence... someone pissed Jesus off in a major way. It is the only reasonable explanation at this time. Yeah you might be thinking about ever evolving flu strains, densely over populated urban centers, tectonic plates, and natural fault lines but come on guy. This one is on Jesus! 

The only thing I couldn't figure out is why Mexico? They are one of the most devoutly Christian nations we have on this Earth. And they aren't like those shitty, "I should go to church it's Easter" Christians. These mother fuckers own, like, multiple rosaries each. The only thing I can think is Jesus just kind of crushed them by default. He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops but I'm pretty sure the ghost of Ronald Reagan protects us from famine and natural disasters. 

Jesus is very smart though and knows America's weak point has always been our boarders. So he is going to infect everyone in Mexico with Swine Pox then knock their houses down so they pour into the United States and convert all our fluffy bread into the paper thin tortilla variety. Thus getting even for dude sex. 

So to stop this mess from happening it's gonna take faith people and a lot of it. The only problem is normally we would pray to Jesus to come save us. Fail! You can't pray to Jesus to save you from Jesus it just doesn't work. So we got to find someone else and it seems to me that there is only one figure with enough pure goodness of heart and mind to save us from this shit-storm. Someone that came from nothing to work their way up the ladder in the face of hardship and social injustice. Who after such a long struggle got to the forefront of our national stage to emphasize a message of hope and change. Someone who taught us sometimes you have to look past your biases and preconceptions and only then will you find the truth. America we need to round up our faith to stop this wave of fiery death from the south! We need to pray to the only one that can save us! We need to pray to Susan Boyle! That bitch can sing! 

Hey There My Shia

Pittsburgh gal, Hollywood actress/musician and Phalco's dear friend, Clare Fogerty sent this our way. In my opinion it's the best thing to hit the web since the Snood download. Check it out and look for Clare on the silver screen in the upcoming, Disturbia: Part 2.

Daily Update with Steve Sims: The swine flu is here!

President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert," but is not a "cause for alarm." Former Vice President and super douche Dick Chenney on the other hand said that the swine flu is a "cause for concern and might require us to torture anyone reported with the illness."

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Is swine flu the name we want to be using? Here are some additional options/ideas:

-- Hog Flu

-- Pig Flu

-- Arnold from Green Acres Flu

-- Wilbur Flu

-- Bacon Flu

-- Kevin Bacon Flu

-- Ham Hogs Flu

-- Miss Piggy Flu

-- Pigs in a Blanket Flu

-- Curly Tail Flu

-- Oinker Flu

-- Spider Pig Flu

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In other news, American Poop writer/director and Phalco friend, Joe Kingsley was reported to be in Mexico over the weekend. No official statement has been given by Kingsley other than, "Yeah. I went to a strip club while I was there."

Joe Kingsley (photo not taken in Mexico)

Story and swine flu developing...

The Hemptress Returns

Horny in Culver City

Horny in Burbank

"Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk

Sims' Summer Movie Picks

So what do we got?

Terminator. Seen it.

X-Men. Seen it.

Star Trek. Don't care.

Land of the Lost. Netflix it.

The Hangover. Awesome.

Year One. Awesome.

Transformers. Dog Shit.

Ice Age. Seen it.

Harry Potter. Seen it. End it.

Inglorious Basterds. Still can't believe someone let Tarantino make a war flick. Fantastic.

Here's my top three for the summer. Hopefully they rock our socks.

Sam Mendes' Away We Go -- June 19, 2009

Judd Apatow's Funny People -- July 31, 2009

Charlyne Yi's Paper Heart -- August 14, 2009

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

Oh the 23rd birthday...

Last night I had the privilege of kicking back and enjoying a few old favorites, a 23rd birthday and. . .well let's just call it cheese sandwiches. Actually while we're at it, let's call the people who were present the following: Caren, Cheryl, Jack, John Farpenter, Jerdy, Tim, Lisa and Don. Okay now that we have that out of the way (for obvious copyright, slander and privacy reasons) we can move on with our story. So where was I? Oh yes the 23rd birthday...

So last night was Caren's 23rd birthday. At midnight to be exact. She arrived at the party nice and early with a beautiful smile on her face. She was excited because today her and Don were heading to Disneyland for a day of friendship and fun. But before Caren could put on her Minnie Mouse ears and SPF 60 she had a night to remember. A night of cheese sandwiches.

Myself and my good friend, Farpenter arrived to the party a little after 8:30pm. Farpenter and I had already eaten like four sandwiches so we were already quite full. But that wasn't going to stop us. Jack, hard at work in the kitchen prepping the cheese sandwiches, greeted us with hugs and happiness. Caren and Cheryl sat alone in the living room. Caren in her pigtails and Cheryl ready to rack, we were all in store for a 23rd birthday/cheese sandwich attack.

While Don was still at work, Jerdy, Tim and Lisa had arrived. Jerdy allergic to cheese and frightened by bread, decided to pass on the cheese sandwich and just enjoy one of the finer things in life, Natty Light. Soon enough Don had arrived and the party had begun. We were two hours out from Caren's 23rd birthday and already deep into our sandwiches. Where will the night take us?

At 11 o'clock things began to get weird. And by 11:30pm things began to get really weird. The sound of a low battery Wii controller became a carbon monoxide leak and the plot to Backdraft all rolled into one. Our good friends, let's call them Daffodil and Sunshine, arrived with a hat that turned a low lit kitchen into a Monroeville Mall photo booth. Sunshine, off cheese sandwiches and high on life, documented the chaos which was described by Cheryl as; "I think we're in an episode of The Office." At 11:50pm we had relocated to an amazing wrap around pirate ship, I mean couch. Sunken into the couch like a couple of zombies at a Zombie Zoo, we listened as Don began to cue up the sounds that would ring in Caren's 23rd birthday.

I couldn't tell you the song that played or the "happy birthday" sounds that came from our mouths. Tim kept requesting an applause for his efforts of walking and Jerdy began to look more and more like a member of the KKK who forgot his robe and had to settle for a freshly washed wife beater. Things had become intense. As the music played, fingers snapped, and the birthday chants continued we all starred into the eyes of the birthday girl as she said her first line of 23; "This is some kind of horrible nightmare."

Happy Birthday Caren! Let's hope 23 is everything you dreamed it would be.

-- Dennis The

A Rose Between Two Thorns

More like: JT with two smoking hot bitches. Woo-woo!

Don't worry my sexy redheaded sweetheart. I to am single and ready for car crashes and love.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile

'Country Roads' Never Sounded So Good

The last two episodes of The Office were really enjoyable. Below is a link (NBC Universal doesn't like to give you embed codes) to last night's episode and if you really want to laugh your butt off (I most certainly did the three times I watched it) then check out 16:45 – 18:30. I recommend the whole episode, as well as the one prior, but if you are in a hurray and running out the door, take :45 seconds and enjoy a little Country Roads. It's a crowd pleaser.

The Office: Season 5 : Ep. 21

p.s. Paul Lieberstein steals the show.

Communists and Grenades

Davie K. writes:

I was watching an incredible movie, maybe you have heard of it, RED DAWN. It is a terrific 80's anti-communism movie, starring a young Pat Swayze, Charlie Sheen, the sister in Ferris Bueller's Day off, and the girl who plays Marty's mom in the 50's in Back to the Future. An all-star cast. A quick synopsis is: communist powers throughout the world have teamed up and infiltrated the USA, occuping a good bit of the country. Including small town Colorado where our heroic charaters live. The actors are playing high-schoolers who run to the mountains and camp out when the invasion occurs. The communists take control of the small town, begin brainwashing excercises, and the mass murder of any resisters or folks who are dangerous to their commi ways. the kids in the mountains, led by our man Swayze, use guerilla war tactics to kill the Cuban/Russian red bastards whenever they get they chance. Thy are very successful. As the movie goes on some of the kids get killed and during one fateful day the remaining kids fall prey to a viscious helicopter sneak attack. Ferris's sister is hit, fatally. Swayze is reluctant to leave her behind. She insists, not wanting to slow him down, but begs swayze to not let them capture her. Swayze leaves her with a grenade. When the pinko commi sons of bitches find ferris's sister she releases the grenade killing the closest commi along with herself.

Brilliant. But with one flaw. She didn't say anything super cool at the last second, a la your muscular governor, Arnold. No, 'This grenades for you!", or "I know you commi's love to share... how about we share this grenade!", or even "This one is for the red, white and blue baby!"

I immidiately began thinking what I would yell if I was about to blow myself and my enemy up with a surprise grenade. This is an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime. It cannot be missed. You could brag about what you said forever in heaven. You would be the coolest guy on your cloud. The best part may just be the conversation the ememies you did not kill have after you take out one of their boys with your kamakazi grenade.

"Did you hear what that guy said?"

"That guy was one crazy motherfucker."

Anyway, after deliberating for a while I turned to Justin and said, "If I was about to kill my already fatally wounded self with a grenade and take my commi enemy with me I would yell out..."

..."Ride the Wave!"

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Then I started thinking what would my friends yell out if they were in the same situation. Now, if Steve Sims, in all his glory was dieing, and knew he was a goner. The Steve Sims I know would not miss the chance to take a Russian red with him. And I definitly know that Steve Sims would not miss the chance to stick it to the commi with some great last words. So I started thinking again and I came up with a suggestion for you. Picture this scene. You're dieing. You know it. It has been a good life, you killed a lot of communists, you can't go on. You asked me for a grenade. I was hesitant, but you had that crazy look in your eye that said, "Dave, it is time for one last partay." I leave you with the grenade and get the hell out of there. You sit patiently and then you hear footsteps. Through the trees appears a tall, somewhat fat, communist yucking it up with his buddies. They come closer. You make eye contact and glean from their expressions that they are looking forward to watching your impending, painful death. They are surprised, as they saunter up to you, that you are smiling. You wait a few seconds then you pull a grenade from under your jacket. Their faces drop. And as they stand there dumbfounded, paralyzed with shock, you yell at the top of your lungs...

..."Eat Sims!"

Kaboom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will Farrell = Goofy

I was setting up my Netflix queue with some goodies such as Step Brothers when I came across this goofy pop up. I decided to throw in a classic Will Farrell photo just in case you needed a reminder of who that chap was.

  

This Is Our Year

Finally, above .500.

Let's Go Buccos

Today is our favorite day of the season...

I'm NOT Jonah Hill

I Just Found This Classic Gem Stone

Happy Birthday...

Robert Downey Jr., the late Heath Ledger, David Cross and Barry Pepper. All class acts in my book.