Things Are Happening

The summer of 2009 is upon us. And as said in the past, "things are happening." I remember listening to "Six Different Ways" by The Cure a lot back in those days. The days when things did happen. The days when new chapters were beginning. Here's a little Cure action to help us roll right into the summer of '09 and Chapter 2: The Next Chapter (love me Kenny Powers). Cheers!

Dr. Bummer from the Burgh

Dan Bern & Phalco

Dan Bern's playing the Largo again this month.  Looks to be a small, yet handsome turn out.

Confirmed Guests: Steven Sims, Jeremy Tague, Mike Roach

Maybe we can just get him to move the show to our apartment. Save us some gas.

Breaking News Swine Flu Fans!

The World Health Organization says swine flu is over with!  Not because people have stopped getting sick but because they are changing the name!

It seems swine have little to nothing to do with contracting the virus and random pig punchings are up some 30,000 percent since the illness started.  

So, I guess it's just another boring people flu.  Which sucks because you want to be able to punch whatever the flu is named after, am I right?  Only thing, you can't punch people because "People" made laws that you can't punch people.  Pretty convenient for them I would say.  I have a feeling they have been planning this people flu for quite a while.

That's why we should name it after another animal.  We are unsusceptible to animal courts of law because we don't understand their languages... THEREFORE! punching any animal for any reason is out of the realm of jurisdiction!  

I think we should rename it the koala bear flu because those things need a good beating whether they deserve it or not.  

Rest up for the beat down stuck up Koala Bear jerk!

Daily Update with Steve Sims: Wednesday in Hollywood

Hollywood Blvd. -- Wednesday, April 29, 2009 @ 4:00pm.

Okay, so where the hell is everyone? I have never seen Hollywood Boulevard this empty. Is it the swine flu? Is it the smell of piss from all the homeless? Is it the creepy Homer Simpson who is simply a fat guy in tighty whities with a Homer mask on? I don't know. But my guess, probably the last one. No one wants to see that. I don't care how much you like The Simpsons.

**Photo of the tighty whitie Hollywood Homer hopefully coming soon.

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In other Hollywood news, Nicolas Cage still has yet to have anyone take a photo of his star on the Walk of Fame. That was until today...

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And lastly, The Virgin Mega Store is going out of business. Yes it is. And because of it our good friend Stephen Saban was able to get the newest from Bobby D. for $22.99. What a deal! So get your butts out of the house or on a plane and over to the Virgin Mega Store on Hollywood Boulevard as they're slashing prices and practically giving shit away. Rumor has it the release of Nickelback's greatest hits was the reason for the store's closing.

The Enlightenment Welcomes Arlen!

Rock the fuck on Mr. Specter.  Rock the fuck on!

What did you do to Jesus?

Ok, so a 12 Monkeys-esque baby killing super virus has busted wide open south of the boarder. I get it. This type of thing simply happens (See the 1918 mom killing super flu). But at the same time as this super virus turns the Mexican landscape into something reminiscent of an Iron Maiden album cover they also get crushed by a gigantic ball dropping mega quake. I am a pretty rational guy so it is clear to me that this is no coincidence... someone pissed Jesus off in a major way. It is the only reasonable explanation at this time. Yeah you might be thinking about ever evolving flu strains, densely over populated urban centers, tectonic plates, and natural fault lines but come on guy. This one is on Jesus! 

The only thing I couldn't figure out is why Mexico? They are one of the most devoutly Christian nations we have on this Earth. And they aren't like those shitty, "I should go to church it's Easter" Christians. These mother fuckers own, like, multiple rosaries each. The only thing I can think is Jesus just kind of crushed them by default. He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops but I'm pretty sure the ghost of Ronald Reagan protects us from famine and natural disasters. 

Jesus is very smart though and knows America's weak point has always been our boarders. So he is going to infect everyone in Mexico with Swine Pox then knock their houses down so they pour into the United States and convert all our fluffy bread into the paper thin tortilla variety. Thus getting even for dude sex. 

So to stop this mess from happening it's gonna take faith people and a lot of it. The only problem is normally we would pray to Jesus to come save us. Fail! You can't pray to Jesus to save you from Jesus it just doesn't work. So we got to find someone else and it seems to me that there is only one figure with enough pure goodness of heart and mind to save us from this shit-storm. Someone that came from nothing to work their way up the ladder in the face of hardship and social injustice. Who after such a long struggle got to the forefront of our national stage to emphasize a message of hope and change. Someone who taught us sometimes you have to look past your biases and preconceptions and only then will you find the truth. America we need to round up our faith to stop this wave of fiery death from the south! We need to pray to the only one that can save us! We need to pray to Susan Boyle! That bitch can sing! 

Hey There My Shia

Pittsburgh gal, Hollywood actress/musician and Phalco's dear friend, Clare Fogerty sent this our way. In my opinion it's the best thing to hit the web since the Snood download. Check it out and look for Clare on the silver screen in the upcoming, Disturbia: Part 2.

Daily Update with Steve Sims: The swine flu is here!

President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert," but is not a "cause for alarm." Former Vice President and super douche Dick Chenney on the other hand said that the swine flu is a "cause for concern and might require us to torture anyone reported with the illness."

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Is swine flu the name we want to be using? Here are some additional options/ideas:

-- Hog Flu

-- Pig Flu

-- Arnold from Green Acres Flu

-- Wilbur Flu

-- Bacon Flu

-- Kevin Bacon Flu

-- Ham Hogs Flu

-- Miss Piggy Flu

-- Pigs in a Blanket Flu

-- Curly Tail Flu

-- Oinker Flu

-- Spider Pig Flu

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In other news, American Poop writer/director and Phalco friend, Joe Kingsley was reported to be in Mexico over the weekend. No official statement has been given by Kingsley other than, "Yeah. I went to a strip club while I was there."

Joe Kingsley (photo not taken in Mexico)

Story and swine flu developing...

The Hemptress Returns