Ok, so a 12 Monkeys-esque baby killing super virus has busted wide open south of the boarder. I get it. This type of thing simply happens (See the 1918 mom killing super flu). But at the same time as this super virus turns the Mexican landscape into something reminiscent of an Iron Maiden album cover they also get crushed by a gigantic ball dropping mega quake. I am a pretty rational guy so it is clear to me that this is no coincidence... someone pissed Jesus off in a major way. It is the only reasonable explanation at this time. Yeah you might be thinking about ever evolving flu strains, densely over populated urban centers, tectonic plates, and natural fault lines but come on guy. This one is on Jesus!
The only thing I couldn't figure out is why Mexico? They are one of the most devoutly Christian nations we have on this Earth. And they aren't like those shitty, "I should go to church it's Easter" Christians. These mother fuckers own, like, multiple rosaries each. The only thing I can think is Jesus just kind of crushed them by default. He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops but I'm pretty sure the ghost of Ronald Reagan protects us from famine and natural disasters.
Jesus is very smart though and knows America's weak point has always been our boarders. So he is going to infect everyone in Mexico with Swine Pox then knock their houses down so they pour into the United States and convert all our fluffy bread into the paper thin tortilla variety. Thus getting even for dude sex.
So to stop this mess from happening it's gonna take faith people and a lot of it. The only problem is normally we would pray to Jesus to come save us. Fail! You can't pray to Jesus to save you from Jesus it just doesn't work. So we got to find someone else and it seems to me that there is only one figure with enough pure goodness of heart and mind to save us from this shit-storm. Someone that came from nothing to work their way up the ladder in the face of hardship and social injustice. Who after such a long struggle got to the forefront of our national stage to emphasize a message of hope and change. Someone who taught us sometimes you have to look past your biases and preconceptions and only then will you find the truth. America we need to round up our faith to stop this wave of fiery death from the south! We need to pray to the only one that can save us! We need to pray to Susan Boyle! That bitch can sing!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Hey There My Shia
Pittsburgh gal, Hollywood actress/musician and Phalco's dear friend, Clare Fogerty sent this our way. In my opinion it's the best thing to hit the web since the Snood download. Check it out and look for Clare on the silver screen in the upcoming, Disturbia: Part 2.
Daily Update with Steve Sims: The swine flu is here!
President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert," but is not a "cause for alarm." Former Vice President and super douche Dick Chenney on the other hand said that the swine flu is a "cause for concern and might require us to torture anyone reported with the illness."
~~~~~
Is swine flu the name we want to be using? Here are some additional options/ideas:
-- Pig Flu
-- Arnold from Green Acres Flu
-- Wilbur Flu
-- Bacon Flu
-- Kevin Bacon Flu
-- Ham Hogs Flu
-- Miss Piggy Flu
-- Pigs in a Blanket Flu
-- Curly Tail Flu
-- Oinker Flu
-- Spider Pig Flu
~~~~~
In other news, American Poop writer/director and Phalco friend, Joe Kingsley was reported to be in Mexico over the weekend. No official statement has been given by Kingsley other than, "Yeah. I went to a strip club while I was there."
Joe Kingsley (photo not taken in Mexico)
Story and swine flu developing...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sims' Summer Movie Picks
So what do we got?
Terminator. Seen it.
X-Men. Seen it.
Star Trek. Don't care.
Land of the Lost. Netflix it.
The Hangover. Awesome.
Year One. Awesome.
Transformers. Dog Shit.
Ice Age. Seen it.
Harry Potter. Seen it. End it.
Inglorious Basterds. Still can't believe someone let Tarantino make a war flick. Fantastic.
Here's my top three for the summer. Hopefully they rock our socks.
Sam Mendes' Away We Go -- June 19, 2009
Judd Apatow's Funny People -- July 31, 2009
Charlyne Yi's Paper Heart -- August 14, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Nobody likes you when you're 23.
Oh the 23rd birthday...
Last night I had the privilege of kicking back and enjoying a few old favorites, a 23rd birthday and. . .well let's just call it cheese sandwiches. Actually while we're at it, let's call the people who were present the following: Caren, Cheryl, Jack, John Farpenter, Jerdy, Tim, Lisa and Don. Okay now that we have that out of the way (for obvious copyright, slander and privacy reasons) we can move on with our story. So where was I? Oh yes the 23rd birthday...
So last night was Caren's 23rd birthday. At midnight to be exact. She arrived at the party nice and early with a beautiful smile on her face. She was excited because today her and Don were heading to Disneyland for a day of friendship and fun. But before Caren could put on her Minnie Mouse ears and SPF 60 she had a night to remember. A night of cheese sandwiches.
Myself and my good friend, Farpenter arrived to the party a little after 8:30pm. Farpenter and I had already eaten like four sandwiches so we were already quite full. But that wasn't going to stop us. Jack, hard at work in the kitchen prepping the cheese sandwiches, greeted us with hugs and happiness. Caren and Cheryl sat alone in the living room. Caren in her pigtails and Cheryl ready to rack, we were all in store for a 23rd birthday/cheese sandwich attack.
While Don was still at work, Jerdy, Tim and Lisa had arrived. Jerdy allergic to cheese and frightened by bread, decided to pass on the cheese sandwich and just enjoy one of the finer things in life, Natty Light. Soon enough Don had arrived and the party had begun. We were two hours out from Caren's 23rd birthday and already deep into our sandwiches. Where will the night take us?
At 11 o'clock things began to get weird. And by 11:30pm things began to get really weird. The sound of a low battery Wii controller became a carbon monoxide leak and the plot to Backdraft all rolled into one. Our good friends, let's call them Daffodil and Sunshine, arrived with a hat that turned a low lit kitchen into a Monroeville Mall photo booth. Sunshine, off cheese sandwiches and high on life, documented the chaos which was described by Cheryl as; "I think we're in an episode of The Office." At 11:50pm we had relocated to an amazing wrap around pirate ship, I mean couch. Sunken into the couch like a couple of zombies at a Zombie Zoo, we listened as Don began to cue up the sounds that would ring in Caren's 23rd birthday.
I couldn't tell you the song that played or the "happy birthday" sounds that came from our mouths. Tim kept requesting an applause for his efforts of walking and Jerdy began to look more and more like a member of the KKK who forgot his robe and had to settle for a freshly washed wife beater. Things had become intense. As the music played, fingers snapped, and the birthday chants continued we all starred into the eyes of the birthday girl as she said her first line of 23; "This is some kind of horrible nightmare."
Happy Birthday Caren! Let's hope 23 is everything you dreamed it would be.
-- Dennis The
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
