The Boil

Mike Roach: Reporting Live from PNC Park

2011-04-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

We sent Phalco corespondent Mike Roach back to the Burgh this week to report on things. He's done nothing but go to Pirate games, eat Super Burger's and hang out with Chris Nolan.

‎5 years of Phalco / The 9 Moments of Phalco

2011-03-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

9 of the best moments featuring the Phalco Three. Voted on by the Phalco fan universe and featured on the Phalco Facebook page.

Phalco Films, celebrating 5 years of being awesome. And making cool things.

1) Bread: The Drink (2006)

2) Phil Ranta's Pulp Cheetos (2008)

3) Growing Pains by Steve Sims (2009)

4) Love and Deaf starring Mike Roach (2009)

5) The Alarmingly Charmingly Cousins featuring Jeremy Tague (2009)

6) Joe Eckhart (2008)

7) Steven Sims in The 41-Year-Old Virgin... (2010)

8) Phalco Sketch Comedy Stage Show (2009)

9) Kevins House (2008)

Thanks again to Thumbs Ghurkin for taking the time to run the voting and upload the videos. We really do love ya Thumbs!

2011 is on fire!

2011-02-13T21:08:00.000-08:00

First post of 2011 isn't about the Steelers. Bummerville. So, we'll make it about the Arcade Fire.

Reporting live from the middle of nowhere in upstate NY, I'm Dennis The.

Free Beer!!

2010-11-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

The Phalco marketing folks sent this over today. Sadly the deal they worked out with Pabst Blue Ribbon fell threw and now all we can offer is free cans of yams. Enjoy. And God Bless America!

5 years of Phalco. Coming in 2011.

2010-11-04T17:19:00.001-07:00

Our boy over at P4S, Nicky C, gave the Phalco site a spiffy makeover. Make sure to check it out at PhalcoFilms.com. Thanks to Nick C for all his hard work. More coming soon. So hold onto your hats.

Phalco Films: The Beginning

2010-10-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

The following is a journal entry written by Mike Roach in the fall of 2005:

Tonight, in Media Management we had to pick our groups. People wrote the names of industries they wanted to research on the board and their names underneath. I sat there, immobile, for a moment or two. Then I popped up and wrote myself under "Film".

I went over to the film group and said, "I bring nothing to the table."

Then it was on. The only dude in the group, Steve Sims, said he knew me from Philosophy class (he sits behind me somewhere.) He started talking about film. He's a free-lance videographer. He remembered the things I'd said in Philosophy and knew I was into film and that I was from Indiana and had moved to L.A.

We talked quite a bit, and when it was time to leave, he waited for me at the door. As we walked down the steps, he said that he wanted to do a movie and invited me to collaborate.

Holy shit! Did it happen? Yeah.

-- journal entry from Thursday, September 8th, 2005

Roach & Sims / Pittsburgh / 2005

Roach & Sims / Los Angeles / 2010

2003

2010-10-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

Since seeing the 'The Social Network' I've had nothing but 2003 on the brain, hence my recent Facebook photo. Here's a goodie from the summer of '03. A summer before adulthood, before the thick of college and even before Facebook.

People Who Have Gone Nuts

2010-09-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't about that PHONEY Joaquin Phoenix. It's about all the other fucking lunatics out there. Part of me wants to tell these cunts to go fuck a duck, but then if I had their money and their bullshit fame, I'd most likely be a lunatic too. Well not like Mel, he's just a racist asshole.

1) We have here, Spencer Pratt. I dunno what to say about this clown other than he looked okay with that beard. And that his wife's boobs are amazing. This guy has lost it.

2) We have, of course, Lohan. The girl is out to lunch. And the meal is all you can eat fuck up. And most likely cocaine for dessert. She had so much potential. Oh well, at this rate my guess is she's dead by Christmas.

3) And last but (certainly) not least, is Mel. Oh, Mel. It's over for you buddy. You're a certifiably insane bigot. And this thing with the iPhone camera, not funny. Just stupid. I'm not saying these jagoff paparazzi are any better, but Mel come on, you're Riggs!

55 days and counting...

2010-09-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since we've done a Conan update. There's really not much to say other than he's keeping the beard and looking awesome. TBS. November 8th. The man returns.

Phalco is DEAD

2010-08-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

Come watch the Phalco boys – Mike Roach (Film Noir), Steven Sims (Sci-Fi/Horror) and Jeremy Tague (Action/Comedy) – in three entirely different short films produced by The DeFilm Network for the 2009 DN 50.5 Hour Film Fest.

Tonight @ 9:00pm PST (12:00am EST) only on Facebook.

Mike Roach in Love and Deaf – Directed by Dylan Stern

Steven Sims in The Breath of the World – Directed by Andrew Grosso

Jeremy Tague in Funeral Home – Directed by Arik Martin

Aerosmith: I fucking hate these guys.

2010-08-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

I also hate American Idol. There, I said it.

I Love You

2010-08-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

Kristen Bell. Rice Krispies Treats. Marry me.

Two (Great) Things

2010-08-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Kenny "Motherfuckin" Powers is Back!

2010-08-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

The People's Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master, The Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor C*ck and Balls...

Jail Girls

2010-07-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

All my celebrity girlfriends are behind bar!? (I know, I'm a gross motherfucker.)

Snookie, who was arrested today for disorderly conduct, I absolutely love. Those ham hocks make me crazy!! Some like em thick, what can I say? And being a thick skinned brotha myself, it makes perfect sense. I also love her italian heritage, public display of beer bonging and I ♥ SNOOKIE shirt. Where do I get my I ♥ SIMS shirt?

Lohan. Lohan Lohan. My future wife – locked up and causing a scene. That's right, I said Lohan is wife material. "Why the fuck?" you ask? Because underneath it all, there's this girl. And I want to wake up next to that girl. The chances of it ever happening, due to blonde hair dye and her current stint behind bars, make it slim. But rumor is that several of Hollywood's top stylists have been put on call for the entire weekend. Their call time: TBA. Their location: Lynwood Jail.

Any other birds in the big house? I dunno, what's Kristen Bell up to? According to her tweets she's in Florida – @IMKristenBell: Me and Florida, sittin in a tree – which is fine by me. I love to jet ski!

What it's like to be Mark Wahlberg...

2010-07-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

ABOVE: An ad featured in today's Variety. Ari Emanuel doesn't send gift baskets.

BELOW: Some great Wahlberg. As well as a great Baldwin. "Go fuck yourself."

Batman 3

2010-07-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

No, we're not talking about Val and Nicole.

Christopher Nolan, just off his Inception weekend, is the Bat King now n' days and with the new flick slated for a summer 2012 release, everybody wants to know "who's the next villain?" Although the Joker survived Batman’s ass beating in The Dark Knight, Nolan has said the character is being retired to Arkham Asylum out of respect and memory for the late Heath Ledger.

So with Comic-Con less than a day away and Inception saving the summer, will the mighty Bat King give us a hint on who will be terrorizing Gotham next? No idea. But firstshowing.net claims to have the scoop. An inside source of the web site states that The Riddler is listed as the next villain in the highly anticipated sequel, and that the actor currently listed to portay the assumed villain is none other than Inception star, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Other possible villain rumors flying around the bat cave are Jonah Hill as the Penguin, Snooki as Catwoman and the Governator, reprising his 1997 role, as Mr. Freeze.

The Dog Days of Sims

2010-06-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

2010. The adventure continues...

The Winter Sun

So we made it. We marched through an adventurous winter of left lung fails, late night goodbyes and Steeler season cries. After my brief stint at the local infirmary it was back to business. I took a fancy new gig at my favorite Hollywood home, World of Wonder, working on a brand new docu-series airing later this year. It's been an interesting experience working on a production from an office point of view, but I'm sure it's worth it. The show has been shooting in New York City and the crew and I have been working like dogs producing the series. I've also have had the chance to live in NYC while not having to leave LA. As I said, "from an office point of view."

Spring-a-Ding-Done

As spring rolled through we enjoyed the return of some Compound chaos and late night dancing with the people we love. We said goodbye to regular strangers and hello to old faces. Life is a lot like an 22 episode sitcom. Some episodes are fluff while others lead to a great string of events. Spring was the end of the fluff.

The Sound of Summer

It's now summer 2010 and several new adventures are upon us. For starters, the long awaited and much anticipated DVD release of The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It drops today. With magazine covers appearing around town, phone interviews being scheduled and TV spots appearing before movie previews, this has all become quite cool. Will it continue with more exciting opportunities? Or will I just be some guy who looked like that fat guy from Superbad? Negative Sims wants to say the latter, but lately I've been trying to be more positive. That being said, go buy the DVD. On sale today.

With the DVD release here and Jonah Hill's Get Him To The Greek billboards all around town (a lot like our early hay days back in '07) the excitement of having a doublingganger has begun to rise again. It's been established that although slightly smaller and kinder, no matter what hair cut or look I have, I still resemble this fucking guy. Never the less, Get Him To The Greek doesn't feature side-splitting bonus material like The 41-Year-Old Virgin does. One special feature included on the DVD is Being Jonah Hill – a look at my relationship with Jonah Hill and the making of the Phalco short, Destroying Jonah Hill. Yes sir indeed. The Phalco boys managed to make their way onto a DVD disturbed by FOX. Featured clips from our 2008 short, Destroying Jonah Hill, along with a "60 Minutes" style interview with yours truly, makes this DVD a must buy. So seriously, go buy the DVD. Available at Amazon, Walmart, Best Buy, Blockbuster and on Netflix in July. And thanks for the support.

The Future of '10 and Beyond

So what else is down the pipe line? Production begins this July for a brand new web series I'm co-directing and producing with writer/actress and iO West superstar, Sophia Zolan. / Mr. Bug co-creators and Phalco buds, Alison Trumbull and Dylan Stern, have apparently drafted up a short script for me to star in. I made only one request, no Superbad shirt. / Ivan Ehlers feature, Guns Don't Kill People, wrapped shooting last month and will be making it's way to the festival circut soon. I play the character of "Dirty Dan" and had a great time on set working with Ivan and his fantastic team. Getting to kill some people was pretty cool too. / And of course the turtle moving boys of Phalco Films are around and planning for a few new projects. I mean, it's the year of adventure so don't be surprised if we drift off on our own and try new things. That's just how we roll. But we promise ideas are being penned and new projects will be in the works soon.

Life is different this side of 2009. That is with out a doubt. But sometimes different is the only adventure we need. Enjoy it. I know I am.

-- Steven M. Sims

Return Of The Dick

2010-06-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

Guess who is back? I know, I forgot about him to. Here's a delicious quote from America's biggest mistake:

"Yeah, we waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and I'd do it again to save lives." –George W. Bush, during an appearance at the Economic Club of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Conan Does Reno

2010-05-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

We've seen the 60 Minutes special. We lived the late night war drama. But what we have enjoyed the most from all this Conan craziness, are his tweets.

@ConanOBrien: I'm performing tonight at a dinner theater in Reno. Who says my career is in trouble?

As this adventure called 2010 continues, remember one thing...

2010-04-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

He's back, baby!!

2010-04-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Under Water is Under Cover

2010-04-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

When I'm not doing my old Phalco song and dance I'm usually out making music with Phalco friend and LA superstar, Erin Hickman. Under Water is the name and lovely ukulele melodies is the game. Here's a sneak peak of what we like to call, "An Under Water Summer."

Under Water on Facebook!

The Evolution of O'Brien

2010-04-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome back buddy. The Cheers re-runs have been great, but it will be finally nice to have something else to put on at 11:30pm. Or will it be 11:35pm?

Phalco '10

2010-03-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

If it wasn't for Phalco's dear friend Stephen Saban I sometimes wonder if people would even know my name. For three years now I have had the ability to resemble Superbad star, Jonah Hill. And for three years now I have had the wonderful voice of Stephen Saban telling the world of my interesting adventures with Hill. From Phalco's early LA days of Destroying Jonah Hill, to being fired from Funny People, to last summer's filming of The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It, the adventures of Jonah and I have kept my first three years in LA pretty exciting.

The WOW Report :: "Over The Hill" by Stephen Saban

As Stephen Saban announces to the world that my "Jonah Hill" days are now behind me I would like to announce to you – the super awesome fans of Phalco Films – that a new Phalco era is upon us. In the year 2010 we plan to make it rain. And we're not talking about cats and dogs. For four years we have been at it and have loved every minute of it. We have such great support and want to thank all of you for that. Stay tuned, because 2010 is going to be a good one. Phalco is back, which only means one thing...lock up your daughters.

Coming soon from the boys of Phalco Films...

The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It starring Bryan Callen, Noureen DeWulf and Phalco's own, Steven Sims drops June 6th on DVD. The original motion picture soundtrack, featuring "Morning Wood" by J Chris Newberg is now available on Amazon.com.

Phalco's long awaited 2009 sketch comedy show, The Men's Room – starring Jeremy Tague, Frederick Frazier, Clare Fogerty, Alison Trumbull, Frederick Dechow, Kim Burns, Ketryn Porter, Mike Roach and Steven Sims – will finally be available for your viewing pleasure.

The DN Film Network's 48-Film Fest Premiere featuring Phalco actors Mike Roach (in a Film Noir short), Steven Sims (in a Sci-Fi/Horror short) and Jeremy Tague (in an Action/Comedy short) hits LA later this year.

Kevin's House 2 is on the books and coming your way soon. After numerous amounts of emails, demands, and requests for a sequel to the Phalco fav, Kevin's House, Jeremy Tague has promised to finally make it happen.

A new friend of Phalco's, Ivan Ehlers, is in production with his new feature length film, Guns Don't Kill People, which features Steven Sims in the role of Dirty Dan. Shooting began earlier this month.

And it doesn't stop there as production and development meetings have already begun with... a possible Dylan Stern/Alison Trumbull penned script featuring Mike Roach as a fisherman, a brand new Phalco live sketch show, a possible music video and a brand new film by the guy who used to look like Jonah Hill.

Thanks for all the love folks. We look forward to all your support in 2010.

xo,
Sims and studs of Phalco Films

Phalco Films... 2010... A new era of awesomeness...

It must be some kind of... 'Hot Tub Time Machine.'

2010-03-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight my Phalco counterpart, Sir Captain Foamy, and I had exclusive screening passes to MGM's new and only flick of this year, Hot Tub Time Machine. Was it good? – It was great. Get off your butts this weekend, stop wasting money on Tim Burton repeats and James Cameron's craptastic 3D adventure, and go see something that really cooks. You don't need Johnny Depp in weird makeup and Academy Award losers anymore. You have a Hot Tub Time Machine. The only thing that really matters this month. As well as health care. And your March Madness bracket.

Hot Tub Time Machine - Opening this Friday!! See it. Damn the man. Save MGM.

(Thanks to Samara for the screening passes. Best PR gal in town!)

Sims vs. Pneumonia

2010-03-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

So as you might of heard I had a little mishap and found myself in the hospital just over a week ago. I imagine a lot of you – and by you, I mean family, friends, fans, hot chicks, etc. – have been pretty curious on what exactly happened to me. Well it's simple... I was in a high speed police chase which ended in the LAPD gunning me down with five bullets to the chest.

No, that's not true. Although it would be a much more exciting story to tell.

So what really happened? Well it's simple... I got Pneumonia. See about four weeks ago I woke up with a pain in my shoulder. The pain, within a few days, quickly moved to the left part of my chest. At first I thought it was a bad case of heart burn. But after a brief visit with my doctor I found out that it wasn't. He believed that due to a recent heavy cough that I had pulled a muscle. He prescribed some standard cough medicine and said that within a week or two the pain should go away. Two weeks and a killed cough later I found that this odd, heart burn type pain was not going away. It seemed to come and go. One day I would feel it. One day I wouldn't. I started to think that maybe it was a cause of stress until the evening of Tuesday, February 16th.

That night, on my way home from work, I began to feel the pains much stronger than before. I knew something wasn't right and that the next day I would have to return to my doctor to see what was up. When I awoke the next morning I found that not only had the pains gotten worse but that simple breathing had become much more difficult. Coughing hurt, talking was next to impossible and walking to my car seemed like I was running a 500 mile marathon. Now, I know I'm a little on the "heavy" side, but never in my life had I had breathing troubles like this.

As soon as I arrived at my doctor he and I both realized that what I was dealing with was a little more than a pulled muscle – Doctor Fail #1. An x-ray showed that my left lung was completely filled with fluid and needed to be immediately drained. The doctor suggested that I go home, rest and that the hospital would be in contact with me in the next two days about having my lung drained. Sadly for me, I couldn't wait two days – Doctor Fail #2. As soon as I left the doctors office I immediately drove myself to the ER. It didn't take long for the nurses to realize the pain that I was in and as quick as they could they had me in a hospital bed ready to be drained.

Now I'll save you all the details of giant needles, a crazy morphine IV and a cute ER nurse named Farrah and just skip to the result... The draining of the lung didn't work – Doctor Fail #3. As I laid there in the ER, sore from an attempted lung draining and chest that practically seemed to stop working, I found out that a quick hospital visit and a few days out of commission would now be turning into a lengthy hospital stay and several days out of commission. I was informed that my lung had practically collapsed and that the next day I would be going in for chest surgery. And with that began my six days at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

The surgery resulted in me having two tubes come out of my left side which helped drain the numerous amounts of fluid in my lung. While this continued for several days a team of top notch doctors, that know the difference between a pulled a muscle and a collapsed lung, began to run tests that found that an infection had made it's way into my left lung several weeks earlier (remember the sore shoulder?) and caused for a serious case of Pneumonia. I spent a total of six days in the hospital – one in the ER, one in surgery, three with tubes attached to me and one to figure out what specific antibiotic was needed to help kill this bitch of an infection.

On Monday, February 22nd I was released from the hospital and sent home to spend the next week to recover, inject myself with antibiotics and attempt to sleep while having a left side filled with stitches. From the crazy meds to a day nurse I felt as if I went from twenty-six to eighty-six overnight. How did I end up in this ridiculous situation? How did I go from what I thought was heart burn from chili cheese fries to chest surgery and enough antibiotics to kill a small horse? It was all pretty shitty. But now, a week after my hospital release and almost two weeks after breathing seemed practically impossible, I am able to look back and be thankful. Sure, I'm still out of work and still pumping myself daily with antibiotics, but at least I'm starting to feel like my old self again.

I look forward to returning to my old song and dance and feeling alive again. But I also look forward to a new journey ahead. A journey of clean health, a fresh mind and new outlook on life. Being in that hospital for days made me realize that no matter what nothing in life is more important than the people who surround us. Our friends, our families, our relatives near and far. No matter what gets thrown down our bowling lane of life we all have people who love us. People who care and people who will do anything for us at anytime. I can't say thank you enough to everyone from my roommates, to my friends, to my cousins, to my aunts, to my uncles, to my grandparents, to my sister, to my co-workers, to family's friends, to my parents for all the love and support that has come my way these last two weeks. I'm one lucky son of a bitch to be alive. But I'm one luckier son of a bitch to have the people I have in my life.

So that's my story. Sadly, it's still not quite over. But soon it will be. Thanks again to everyone for all the love and support. I look forward to seeing everyone soon.

-- Steven M. Sims

First night out of the hospital – February 22, 2010

Brakes on the Reg

2010-02-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

So like a year/year and a half ago I take my nasty shitty piece of donkey shit car to a local auto body. Although I neglect most things of minor inconvenience and have a major disdain for consuming and human interaction I find that I do try to adhere to regular oil changes. The auto man asks if I would like them to do a courtesy inspection on my car along with the oil change and with this sounding particularly pleasant I agree. By all accounts it was a courtesy at the very least, how could I refuse? Also, with any number of engine lights illuminating my dashboard at any one moment I thought that this inspection may be beneficial.

An hour or so later the auto man calls me direct on my cell phone and relays the finding of his courtesy investigation. The following onslaught of words was enough to make even the most constipated man shit and shit hard. Apparently every functioning, or should I say malfunctioning, part of my car was in dire need of being fixed or replaced. What concerned the auto man above all else was the shoddy condition of my braking system. He tried to be as clear as possible as to how dangerous and irresponsible it would be to not get this condition fixed immediately. But with a total bill of just over eight hundred dollars for necessary repairs I clarified that yes I can use the word fuck as a verb and a noun in the same sentence. Needless to say this courtesy inspection quickly turned into a minor inconvenience and like most things in this vain I decided to neglect any of the suggested maintenance much to the auto mans dismay.

Flash forward to yesterday.

I, once again, find myself sticking to my semi-rigid oil changing compulsion and drop my car off at another local auto body. By this point most of the original auto man’s fears have been largely justified. The fact that my car stopped at all was largely by chance, or by God’s will, but certainly neither I nor the brakes contributed anything to these miracle retardments in motion. So I asked the attendant to take a look at the braking system again as I fully comprehend that there is a problem that should be remedied.

An hour or so later the auto man calls me in disbelief about the condition of my vehicles stopping mechanism. So, I’m like hit me with it bro. And he is like four hundred fifty. And I go, “wooh, wooh, wooh, slow down egghead I don’t want to pay that much.” And he says, “let me talk to the dude and I will get back to you.” So I wait around for a few minutes thinking of creative ways to use the f-word completely ready to neglect this thing for another year or longer when he calls back. So now he says, “Ok, we will knock a hundred dollars off.” Then I say, “Wooh, wooh, wooh egghead. Ok.”

NEW BRAKES!

-- Jeremy Tague

What did happen to them?

2010-02-04T16:09:00.001-08:00

twitter.com/bryancallen

Flashback February #2

2010-02-02T07:42:00.000-08:00

Jeremy Tague's Catfish Hunger

(November 2007)

Phalco legend and musical genius Jeremy Tague arrived in Los Angeles in early 2008. This was how told us he was coming.

Flashback February #1

2010-02-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

Jesús and the Alligators

(July 2006 – November 2006)

High in the hill tops of western Pennsylvania Jesús and the Alligators was born. Made up of Pittsburgh natives – Ian "Perdy Mouth" Karell, Dave "Conrad Rickett" Kasnevich, Justin "Slim" Ramsey and Steven "Bongo" Sims – they would wield weapons of mighty, musical prowess: guitars, drums, and a voice. And their ammunition: a dance-floor destroying blend of Hellbilly Honk, Reckless Rock, and Black Hearted Blues.

2010, the year of great Phalco comments.

2010-01-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

It's fun to see a random email or YouTube comment come through from projects of the past. We rarely follow up on old projects and websites but every now and then I'll look down at my phone and see an email that features a comment on something we've done. Since the debut of The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It trailer the comments have been rolling in. Here's two gems we received earlier this week. My opinion, the best fucking comments we've ever gotten. Enjoy...

"One of the few rules I've lived my life by: Never listen to a guy with a goatee like the douche in this trailer. That rule has never let me down." –YouTube comment on Destroying Jonah Hill - Trailer 1 (2008)

"Tell me where can I order that maid from Spacebook who will eat my p*ssy and then clean my house." –Email comment on Phalco Sketch Comedy Stage Show (2009)

Kimmel 4 COCO

2010-01-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

I'm proud to say that I work on the same street as Mr. Kimmel. Even prouder to say that myself and Roach had a chance to hang out in his green room once upon a time. Either way, well done my friend. It's nice to see the biggest piece of shit in late night get slammed on his own show. Now if NBC would just let Letterman through the gates to have a sit down with the "BIG JAW" life would be perfect.

Fuck Leno. I'm with COCO.

Talkin' Playoff Blues

2010-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

Cincy sucks – good thing they're great at flopping in the playoffs.

New England can die – nothing better than seeing Brady go home in tears.

Baltimore is a rubbish pile – can't wait to watch them lose.

Every other team – don't care, don't care, don't care.

Steelers are still better than the Browns. Why? Because Cleveland sucks. See you in the fall bitches.

A man goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers ticket office and inquires about purchasing Steelers play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Steelers ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Steelers did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Steelers play-off tickets.
Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE STEELERS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS!"

"I know," the man replied, "I drive all the way from Cleveland just to hear you say that!"

Thursday Cup O' Twee

2010-01-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yes, I would most certainly marry Neil Patrick Harris.

2010-01-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

Suits The Musical. Neil Patrick Harris. Awe...some.

ABC = Always Bump Conan

2010-01-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jay "BIG JAW" Leno

2010-01-12T18:47:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Damn the man!

2010-01-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

Even in a heartfelt press release he manages to make you laugh. Well said Conan. Phalco supports you.

Big News 2.0 Premiere Tonight!

2010-01-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's 2010 and big things are already happening here in Hollywood. Phalco friend, writer Michael McCarthy (director of last summer's Phalco Sketch Comedy Stage Show), is at it again with a brand new iO West stage show and web series, Big News 2.0.

Michael McCarthy (“Saturday Night Live,” “Sesame Street,” and “The Drew Carey Show”) presents Big News 2.0 – premiering tonight at the iO West in Hollywood. It's a sketch show, web series, and weekly live show all rolled into one. Why? Because according to Michael and director Gen Kiyooka, "Nobody in Hollywood knows what to do anymore, including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien and us!"

Come check out the live show tonight and in the mean time enjoy this week's Big News 2.0 daily videos...

Friday, January 8, 2010

Getting Back to Basics on Fitness

Thursday, January 7, 2009

'Avatar' marks a tech revolution...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Governor Schwarznegger Aims to Rally State

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Winter's Day You Can Warm Up To...

Monday, January 4, 2010

It's looking a lot like the Republican Party's year...

The cyclical nature of the Universe compels us to revisit past truths to divine future events.

2010-01-06T00:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, has my life changed! I need to read over my journals and marvel at the journey I've taken. It's one of those things: I thought I was heading somewhere, and I fully expected to get there, but I'm still surprised that it all actually worked out! I never really knew if I was on the right track or if I was just deluding myself with thoughts of better days. As confident as I've been along this unorthodox path, it was impossible to shake the fear of abject failure, the fear that my life would stay similar, the fear that I would get a degree and still have no direction, no friends, and no hope.

I've always been a proponent of the intuitively led life; I've always had faith that each answer to life's big questions resided somewhere in my subconscious; I've always believed that my optimal path would unfold around me as long as I paid attention to signs and hunches. I've seen indications that these beliefs were true, but until recently I hadn't been completely blown away by them. Along the way, situations and moments would pop up and I'd think, "Ok, yeah. There is something to this whole intuition thing." But lately, for the first time, events have caused me to stop wondering if I was correct in living this life.

As of now, I am sure of it! Completely following your heart is not only the most interesting way to live, but it's also the easiest way to get all that you desire! Hell, maybe it's the only way, I dunno, but it's my chosen way, and I'm absolutely thrilled to see what comes next!

[This could have been written tonight, but it was written April 11th, 2006. Just as I was then, I am still grateful for my friends, my ability to dream, my ability to reinvent myself, and my ability to persevere through the dark recesses of my mind. Here's a prayer to the new decade: May we all become greater than we have ever been and continue on towards the bliss of our souls.]

-- Mike Roach

2010: The Year of Adventure

2010-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

A Festivus for the rest of us!

2009-12-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas!

2009-12-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I made it through another weekend. The last weekend in Los Angeles for 2009 a matter a fact. What a weekend it was. What a weekend these last several have been. We've really had a great year out here on the west coast. From big moves with Phalco to the simple fact of rediscovering what it is that makes our life so special. It's weird to still be here on December 21st. But as said last week, it's fitting. A time of reflection and reminiscing of a year's past. A great year. A year that ends next Thursday in New York City with the people who have come to be my life, my family and my best friends.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone from myself and the entire Phalco crew. As always, we wouldn't of been able to do it with out you. Cheers. Beers. See you in 2010!

Fuck A Toy Truck, is it Christmas yet?

2009-12-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

9:37am – It's Thursday. I think?

I don't know what the date is. I don't know when Christmas is. And I'm not sure why it's still 2009. It's like time has stopped here on the west coast. A year of chaos, craziness and absolute greatness has wiped my mind clean.

11:06am – Seriously. What day is it?

My one of four apple devices has just informed me that it's mid December. My work has informed me that Christmas is close, but not close enough. My social surroundings have informed me that it has been a great year and that a new one is upon us. I inform myself that the new one is going to be adventurous. Yet, I am still confused on why time is standing still.

1:23pm – Hungry.

When you think about it you begin to realize that this odd, not so real frozen moment of time is a chance to stop and reflect on what it is we have just sailed through. Changes in ways of life. Growth within our craft. Rediscovery of friends. Preparation for what is next. It's the end of a decade and a beginning to an all new era.

1:52pm – Umami Burger.

I'll continue to be confused on when I get to finally leave work and head back east. And I'll continue to be confused on why it feels like the holidays have already passed and why I'm sitting in some type of fake, nonrealistic world of reflection.

2:22pm – Last Meal!?

Oh God, could this be the moments before death? Or maybe I'm already dead. Was 2009 my last year on earth? Is Steven Sims and all his greatness gone for ever? Am I writing this awful blog post from purgatory?

2:23pm – That was a tasty burger.

Doubtful.

4:12pm – Long week.

It's just been the craziest and greatest year of my life. I'm worn out, tired and riding my final days of 2009 out in LA as long as possible. In a week I'll be on a flight back east. And in two weeks I'll be ringing in 2010 in the city that never sleeps. And in three weeks I'll be back in LA, at it again. Rocking the year of adventure.

-- Steven M. Sims

From New York With Love

2009-12-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

Phalco's super great friend and even super greater producer, Lydia Rendon, never forgets us when she's hanging around 30 Rock in New York City. Now residing in the Big Apple the lovely Lydia sent over these photos last night. Doesn't it just want to make you run out the door and head back east for the holidays? It sure does. While my other Phalco counterparts will be holding down the fort in LA and running around the Burgh chasing pretty ladies, I'll be spending my post Christmas days in NYC with Lydia and friends, ringing in the New Year. It's going to be a great end to 2009. And an even better beginning to 2010.

30 Rockefeller Plaza

Studio 8H

A Very Merry Phalco Christmas 2009

2009-12-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

Haul out the holly and string up the tinsel because Phalco Films presents the 3rd Annual Very Merry Phalco Christmas.

Come join us as we keep the tradition alive with cheap wine, cheaper beer and an all out holiday celebration that features nothing but straight drinking. With Phalco's fourth year in LA quickly approaching we plan to make this the best Christmas celebration since the discovery of Rudolph. So deck your halls and clear out the malls because it's Christmas time in Phalco Land.

Hope to see you there!

~~~~~

90 West Lounge

12740 Culver Blvd. Los Angeles, California

Saturday, December 19, 2009 @ 8:00pm

Mind Games by Dan Bern

2009-12-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back Dan Bern asked on his Twitter page for song requests that he can record and upload to YouTube. Here's request #1, made by Dan Bern himself. It's "Mind Games" by John Lennon, but I like to call it "Bern does Lennon and kills it."

Is God a Steeler a fan?

2009-11-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

Let's hope. Because we sure need him tonight.

Dennis Dixon - 1st String Steelers QB

Tyler Palko - 2nd String Steelers Quarterback

Smith & Tague Do Breakfast

2009-11-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

While dining at The Griddle Cafe on Sunset, Phalco's own Jeremy Tague ran into writer/director Kevin Smith.

We can now chalk this up there with Phalco's other non-work related celebrity meetings such as Roach and Sims' Lou Ferrigno sign sale and Sims' Harvey Keitel/Quentin Tarantino 2007 sausage discussion.

Best SNL sketch in ten years...

2009-10-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

George Bush for only $4.95 per person

2009-10-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

He's back baby! And here to help get you motivated. "For a limited time only," says getmotivated.com which list the ticket price only $4.95 per person. What a deal!? For less than five bucks I can listen to the worst thing this country has seen since Batman & Robin AND get motivated at the same time. God bless America.

Try not to suck any dick on your way to the parking lot!

2009-10-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

According to Kevin Smith today marks the 15th anniversary since Clerks was released in theaters. Lucky for us Silent Bob loves shameless self promotion more than me. Happy B-Day Clerks!

Ah, the Burgh...

2009-10-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Another reason to love Chick-fil-A

2009-10-14T18:26:00.001-07:00

Go Steelers!

Phalco Cam: 2009

2009-10-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

As we await word from Producer Lydia Rendon in New York on wether our latest comedy cut is worth sending out, we thought we would take a stroll down memory lane and enjoy some 2009 Phalco Cam classics.

Phalco Cam: Vegas Baby, Vegas!

Phalco goes to Vegas and comps everything on their accountant, Brian 'Spilner' Matthews. Watch the gang live the "Vegas life style" from inside their Excalibur hotel room.

Phalco Cam: Pillow Adventure

Diz needs a a body pillow. Sims needs an extra firm pillow. And Care-Care needs pool toys. Watch as this Phalco trio spends their Saturday in search of pillows, love and life.

Phalco Cam: Steeler Nation

A Super Bowl victory for the books. Captured from Phalco's first home in LA, The 90 West Lounge.

How to start a Monday...

2009-10-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

The Real Tracy Morgan

2009-10-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

I just started following Tracy Morgan on Twitter. He's truly insane.

Vince, it's Matt...Damon.

2009-10-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

In a nail biting (not at all) season 6 finale of Entourage, Vince–who hasn't had an interesting story line since season 3–continues to get harassed by actor friend Matt Damon who insist that he donates a large sum of money to one of his charities. "It's for the children!" screams Damon as him and NBA superstar LeBron James ask Vince how much he's racking in this year. The season ends with a few interesting story lines that make up for the craptacular others we had to deal with for eleven episodes. But it was this final clip of Damon leaving Vince a message, that ran after the end titles, which really saved this season from being the worse thing on television since According To Jim.

UPDATE: Matt Damon directing Adrian Grenier during a PSA shoot on the set of Entrouage. "If you don't need to be here, go to fucking lunch!"

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

2009-09-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

It was September 30, 1982 when Sam, Diane, Carla, Cliff and Norm came into our lives as what I feel is one of the best television sitcoms of all time, Cheers.

How many nickels are in $1.35?

2009-09-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

Glad to see you're back and doing well C-Dawg!

This shit is Moranis M-O-R-A-N-I-S

2009-09-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

DJ Lubel is his name and he is telling us the one thing we're all thinking, "I miss Moranis."

Agreed... Ed O'Neill was lame in 'Little Giants.' For more DJ Lubel check out his newest masterpiece, 'Wrong Hole' featuring the my personal favorite, Scott Baio.

This shit is brilliant!

2009-09-23T20:13:00.001-07:00

Because it's Sunday...

2009-09-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles to Honolulu via Kayak

2009-09-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Google Los Angeles to Honolulu on google maps and get your kayak ready. It's going to be an adventure. (t/y Meggan)

A conversation with Phalco friend and writer, Tyson Heder, about this amazing discovery:

tyson: I don't get it.

tyson: You're flying to Hawaii?

tyson: Through Portland and Seattle?

sims: No way bro.

sims: Driving, then kayaking.

sims: Read the list directions. #15.

Monday Night is Back

2009-09-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

Obama's in the White House. (check)

Conan is on at 11:30pm. (check)

And Tedy Bruschi is on SportsCenter? (wtf!?)

So the NFL is back and so is Tom Brady and company. I believe ESPN told me that tonight was the first game that Brady has finished in over 500-some days. Did anyone else see the end of the fourth quarter? He's back and he's out of control. He's also still a cunt and should be thankful that him and his squad of cheaters aren't coming through the Burgh this season. Although it would be nice to remind them who the six-time Super Bowl champs are. I guess we'll just have to wait until after Christmas. In the mean time, guess who else sucks? Yep, you guessed it, Phil fucking Rivers. We'll see that clown in a few weeks. Anyway, my thoughts go out to all Bills and Raiders fans tonight. Your teams both played extraordinary football and gained a temporary fan for the evening.

Pittsburgh in the windy city next week. Also my return to LA's finest Steeler Bar, 90 West Lounge. Go Steelers!

Flight of the Stern

2009-09-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

Our dearest friend, Dylan Stern, proving to the world that he can fly at last night's Moonbounce party hosted by the lovely Sara Kordy. It was hands down the best way to end summer. And no, Dylan didn't die.

The Phalco Three

2009-09-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

Watch out Apatow. We're coming...

Mike Roach [writer/actor]

Steven Sims [writer/director/actor]

Jeremy Tague [writer/actor]

www.phalcofilms.com

Beauty and the Beasts

2009-09-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

When Roach and I are apart (mind you this summer being the first time in over two years) things become great. He's back east now relaxing with friends and enjoying time away from this chaos we call Los Angeles. While speaking with the Roach tonight about his time off, pending Phalco deals and fantasy football (which I fucked as my first year as commissioner) he mentioned that Phalco good friend, Rachael Kimball and Phalco great, Dylan Stern have sort of similar Facebook profile pics. I checked it out...

Rachael and her handsome man come off as a normal picture you expect to see on the old Book. Diz and his faithful companion, Randy the dog, on the other hand just look crazy. Which is something you should keep in mind in case you ever decide to break into my home and murder me. Diz and Mr. Randal there are two of my roommates and yes they are both crazy. They are also a very lovable duo who never fuss when I rub their bellies.

Creepin on ah Come Up

2009-09-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Phalco writer/actor Mike Roach headed back east for a few weeks to grab a breathe of fresh air and do the job he does too well, re-write all the crap we throw his way. Mike can be seen in Phalco's upcoming sketch comedy pilot, 'The Men's Room' and is currently rumored to be featured in an untitled, unannounced War flick which is being penned by Phalco scribes, Dylan Stern and Steven Sims.

Clean Shaven and Drunk

2009-09-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

And with that, it was the summer of ' 09.

Part 01: Bringing life back to life.

I told myself in January that this year is the year to make things happen. To take leaps, be adventurous and let the past be the past. I spent the early days of '09 devoting my time to the pen, scripting ideas and organizing for the next chapter of this epic jounrey. I spent springtime creating new projects, developing new ideas and shaping what it was we said Phalco would become. In the early days of summer I took months of solitude and brainstorming and brought it to life. Phalco went into production on a brand new sketch comedy pilot (currently in post production) as well as took to the stage for our first ever live sketch show. Words on paper and ideas in my mind had become real and the things that started to take shape around me were also real. It was all quite awesome.

Part 02: An old song sings again.

When you find yourself on a solid path it can exhaust you, but exhaustion doesn't matter when you feel on top of the world. In early July I headed a few miles east where a new environment awaited me. It was time to move on and settle into Los Angeles as a 26-year old inspiring "king of Hollywood." My new home not only brought a breathe of fresh air, but new faces and a new way of life. Surronded by new friends and a fresh new atmosphere, I felt alive again. When I think back to my days in Pittsburgh and the things the drove me to come west I think of friends, old roommates, ex-lovers, friends that were friends then your enemy then your friend again. I'm doing the same thing I was doing then, but with new friends. Friends that will push me to the next level.

Part 03: The unexpected expected.

It's hard to believe how much time has went by since I left home. This journey hasn't been an easy one, but every step, every bump, every shit salad that has come my way has been worth it. So where am I at now? If I were to tell someone where I was in life after the summer of 2009 I would say at the top of my game and at the custp of something very great. The week of my 26th birthday, just a little over a month ago, an opportunity like no other had presented itself. Like many things in this town it was unexpected and for the most part completely out of left field. The infamous Phalco short from two years earlier, 'Destroying Jonah Hill', had re-surfaced itself and virtually acted as a reel, resume, headshot and agent all rolled into one. Within a week I went from a lonely writer with his eyes set on SNL to an actor in a real movie. It wasn't a Phalco short or a stage show at the iO West. It wasn't a Captain Foamy sketch or some goof ball Spike TV show. It was a feature film. And I was in it.

Part 04: The Leap.

The week before my old b-day was a crazy one. When I first found out about the feature and how the legendary 'Destroying Jonah Hill' was still making it's rounds around town I wasn't too down with any of it. Sure, I love hearing that our film was still being seen by the likes of Hollywood, but acting in a feature wasn't exactly what I had next on my "to do" list. I had been writing and producing all summer. I was on a roll. I didn't want to take time away from Phalco's latest productions to act in a movie as a character I wasn't interested in playing. And why would I want to leave work for a week and use all my vacation? Why would I want to break stride from the writing success of this year? Why would I want to shave my beard? Why, why, why? Well...because why the fuck not? It was the months of writing and production that made me think this could be a ticket somewhere. It was my friends who guided me in the right direction and believed in me when my negative mind set took over. And it was everything we've done. Where Phalco has taken things and where I took myself. So at noon on my 26th birthday I decided it was time to take a leap. I took some vacation time from my humble home at World of Wonder and in August of 2009 I acted in a feature.

Part 05: Chapter 2 continues.

The things that are beginning to follow are a story in itself. Like my mom always says, "If that was all it was, wasn't it worth it?" The answer, yes. The reality, that was not all it was. The future of Phalco and this epic journey I call my life will continue to roll along nicely. I could sit here and ramble off what we have up our sleeves, what's in the works and what to expect next, but instead I suggest sitting back, relaxing and enjoy the ride to come. I know I sure will.

Enjoy yourselves this fall. The year is still young and the universe is still expected to amaze us in many beautiful ways. Cheers my friends.

-- Steven M. Sims

Los Angeles in August

2009-08-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

Mentor & Apprentice

2009-07-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Garry Shandling & Judd Apatow

The Adventures of Crazy Steven

2009-07-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

Highly Unfortunate Product Name.

2009-07-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

Good Times, Noodle Salad

2009-07-12T11:49:00.001-07:00

Time To Get Funny, People

2009-07-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Well July is here and that only means two things. I turn 26 and Judd Apatow's 'Funny People' premieres for the world. If you recall I was a member of the old 'Funny People' team some time ago. October of '08 to be exact. Now many monthhs later I look forward to the night I get to sit and enjoy Apatow's next creation. My opinion, "feel good flick of the year." I guess we'll see...

(photo by Cara Folk)

The Mother Fucker of America

2009-06-29T21:56:00.001-07:00

The Best One Ever!

2009-06-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Shitting Never Looked So Good

2009-06-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I can stop using that old hanger now.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have watched this 30 times today! And I have no intention of stopping.

Two New Modest Mouse Songs!

2009-06-05T17:13:00.001-07:00

Isaac Brock squeezed his brain grapes on a guitar and made 2 new songs with the brain juice!

Click Here for a link to the songs (Satellite Skin and Guilty Cocker Spaniel) and other fun Modest Mouse stuff. There are also links to the video for Satellite skin and a live performance from David Letterman.

Enjoy D-Bags!

UPDATE: Look at this shit I found! Look!

Davie K Writes...

2009-06-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

Glad to know our boy Davie K is enjoying the Lakers back east. I know how sad he gets living in a town with out a professional basketball team. Probably as sad as I get when I can't watch hockey because it comes on at 5:00pm. Fucking time zones.

I'm an Idiot

2009-06-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

Is it okay to eat a turkey sandwich you packed for lunch at 10:00am?

Is it smart to "attempt" to jump a spiked fence?

Is it wise to be drunk for the entire month of May?

There's the obvious answer to all of these. Then there's the "I don't give a fuck" answer. The "I don't give a fuck" answer is one you usually hear from a 19 year old who really doesn't give a fuck. The obvious answer is what you usually hear from your mother or a mature adult who knows that they aren't 19 anymore. So where do I fall into this category? – None of the above.

As I sit here, eating my turkey sandwich while holding an ice pack on my upper thigh/nut region, I wonder why instead of listening to Laura Sims and doing the obvious, I listened to a 19 year old Sims, who never had a good sense of judgement. My leg fucking hurts. And as much as I want to blame it on the PBR and lack of food that day, I can't. I can only blame my dumb shit "I don't give a fuck" self. There's really no moral to this story other than, I'm an idiot.

Summer of '09 continues here in Los Angeles with a banged up left leg and a belly full of cheap beer and turkey sandwiches. Sounds just like freshman year again, only replace turkey sandwiches with cheese steaks. My guess...at this rate, I'm dead by fall.

-- Steven M. Sims

Well Said

2009-06-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Sunset & Vine in Hollywood

Welcome to LA Good Sir

2009-06-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

June on the West Coast

2009-06-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Please don't threat my pets, we are still here. Yes, Phalco is alive and well. A lot has been thrown on our plates these last couple of weeks. We apologize for our lack of attendence, but promise that what we have cooking up is pretty, pretty sweet. Give us a minute as we short out this new time called 2009.

Things Are Happening

2009-05-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

The summer of 2009 is upon us. And as said in the past, "things are happening." I remember listening to "Six Different Ways" by The Cure a lot back in those days. The days when things did happen. The days when new chapters were beginning. Here's a little Cure action to help us roll right into the summer of '09 and Chapter 2: The Next Chapter (love me Kenny Powers). Cheers!

Dr. Bummer from the Burgh

2009-05-06T22:55:00.001-07:00

Dan Bern & Phalco

2009-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dan Bern's playing the Largo again this month. Looks to be a small, yet handsome turn out.

Confirmed Guests: Steven Sims, Jeremy Tague, Mike Roach

Maybe we can just get him to move the show to our apartment. Save us some gas.

Breaking News Swine Flu Fans!

2009-04-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

The World Health Organization says swine flu is over with! Not because people have stopped getting sick but because they are changing the name!

It seems swine have little to nothing to do with contracting the virus and random pig punchings are up some 30,000 percent since the illness started.

So, I guess it's just another boring people flu. Which sucks because you want to be able to punch whatever the flu is named after, am I right? Only thing, you can't punch people because "People" made laws that you can't punch people. Pretty convenient for them I would say. I have a feeling they have been planning this people flu for quite a while.

That's why we should name it after another animal. We are unsusceptible to animal courts of law because we don't understand their languages... THEREFORE! punching any animal for any reason is out of the realm of jurisdiction!

I think we should rename it the koala bear flu because those things need a good beating whether they deserve it or not.

Rest up for the beat down stuck up Koala Bear jerk!

Daily Update with Steve Sims: Wednesday in Hollywood

2009-04-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Blvd. -- Wednesday, April 29, 2009 @ 4:00pm.

Okay, so where the hell is everyone? I have never seen Hollywood Boulevard this empty. Is it the swine flu? Is it the smell of piss from all the homeless? Is it the creepy Homer Simpson who is simply a fat guy in tighty whities with a Homer mask on? I don't know. But my guess, probably the last one. No one wants to see that. I don't care how much you like The Simpsons.

**Photo of the tighty whitie Hollywood Homer hopefully coming soon.

~~~~~

In other Hollywood news, Nicolas Cage still has yet to have anyone take a photo of his star on the Walk of Fame. That was until today...

~~~~~

And lastly, The Virgin Mega Store is going out of business. Yes it is. And because of it our good friend Stephen Saban was able to get the newest from Bobby D. for $22.99. What a deal! So get your butts out of the house or on a plane and over to the Virgin Mega Store on Hollywood Boulevard as they're slashing prices and practically giving shit away. Rumor has it the release of Nickelback's greatest hits was the reason for the store's closing.

The Enlightenment Welcomes Arlen!

2009-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Rock the fuck on Mr. Specter. Rock the fuck on!

What did you do to Jesus?

2009-04-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a 12 Monkeys-esque baby killing super virus has busted wide open south of the boarder. I get it. This type of thing simply happens (See the 1918 mom killing super flu). But at the same time as this super virus turns the Mexican landscape into something reminiscent of an Iron Maiden album cover they also get crushed by a gigantic ball dropping mega quake. I am a pretty rational guy so it is clear to me that this is no coincidence... someone pissed Jesus off in a major way. It is the only reasonable explanation at this time. Yeah you might be thinking about ever evolving flu strains, densely over populated urban centers, tectonic plates, and natural fault lines but come on guy. This one is on Jesus!

The only thing I couldn't figure out is why Mexico? They are one of the most devoutly Christian nations we have on this Earth. And they aren't like those shitty, "I should go to church it's Easter" Christians. These mother fuckers own, like, multiple rosaries each. The only thing I can think is Jesus just kind of crushed them by default. He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops but I'm pretty sure the ghost of Ronald Reagan protects us from famine and natural disasters.

Jesus is very smart though and knows America's weak point has always been our boarders. So he is going to infect everyone in Mexico with Swine Pox then knock their houses down so they pour into the United States and convert all our fluffy bread into the paper thin tortilla variety. Thus getting even for dude sex.

So to stop this mess from happening it's gonna take faith people and a lot of it. The only problem is normally we would pray to Jesus to come save us. Fail! You can't pray to Jesus to save you from Jesus it just doesn't work. So we got to find someone else and it seems to me that there is only one figure with enough pure goodness of heart and mind to save us from this shit-storm. Someone that came from nothing to work their way up the ladder in the face of hardship and social injustice. Who after such a long struggle got to the forefront of our national stage to emphasize a message of hope and change. Someone who taught us sometimes you have to look past your biases and preconceptions and only then will you find the truth. America we need to round up our faith to stop this wave of fiery death from the south! We need to pray to the only one that can save us! We need to pray to Susan Boyle! That bitch can sing!

Hey There My Shia

2009-04-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh gal, Hollywood actress/musician and Phalco's dear friend, Clare Fogerty sent this our way. In my opinion it's the best thing to hit the web since the Snood download. Check it out and look for Clare on the silver screen in the upcoming, Disturbia: Part 2.

Daily Update with Steve Sims: The swine flu is here!

2009-04-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

President Obama said Monday that the swine flu outbreak is a "cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert," but is not a "cause for alarm." Former Vice President and super douche Dick Chenney on the other hand said that the swine flu is a "cause for concern and might require us to torture anyone reported with the illness."

~~~~~

Is swine flu the name we want to be using? Here are some additional options/ideas:

-- Hog Flu

-- Pig Flu

-- Arnold from Green Acres Flu

-- Wilbur Flu

-- Bacon Flu

-- Kevin Bacon Flu

-- Ham Hogs Flu

-- Miss Piggy Flu

-- Pigs in a Blanket Flu

-- Curly Tail Flu

-- Oinker Flu

-- Spider Pig Flu

~~~~~

In other news, American Poop writer/director and Phalco friend, Joe Kingsley was reported to be in Mexico over the weekend. No official statement has been given by Kingsley other than, "Yeah. I went to a strip club while I was there."

Joe Kingsley (photo not taken in Mexico)

Story and swine flu developing...

The Hemptress Returns

2009-04-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

Horny in Culver City

2009-04-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

Horny in Burbank

2009-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

"Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk

Sims' Summer Movie Picks

2009-04-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

So what do we got?

Terminator. Seen it.

X-Men. Seen it.

Star Trek. Don't care.

Land of the Lost. Netflix it.

The Hangover. Awesome.

Year One. Awesome.

Transformers. Dog Shit.

Ice Age. Seen it.

Harry Potter. Seen it. End it.

Inglorious Basterds. Still can't believe someone let Tarantino make a war flick. Fantastic.

Here's my top three for the summer. Hopefully they rock our socks.

Sam Mendes' Away We Go -- June 19, 2009

Judd Apatow's Funny People -- July 31, 2009

Charlyne Yi's Paper Heart -- August 14, 2009